The Elephant in the Room: Having Another Baby

Once we got over the shock of losing Addison, there was one question that just hammered over and over in my head: what does this mean for the future of our family?

I think initially, I couldn’t imagine the idea of not being pregnant right now. I mean, everything was (obviously) so unexpected, and it was all planned out in my head, and I just couldn’t wrap my head around not having a beautiful baby girl in August.

Slowly – which is a relative term, because the time after stillbirth moves so slowly yet so quickly at the same time – I started to understand that being pregnant with Addison needed to be distinct from a future pregnancy – for the sake of her, for the sake of what we went through and for that of my own sanity.

Rick and I are also very logical people. So I knew that instead of focusing my energy on when we could start thinking about another baby, we needed to try to find out why this happened and how we would potentially handle another pregnancy.

So then we – thankfully – found out the most probable reason why this happened: the blood clotting disorder. We talked to the doctor, we know our options in terms of handling a future pregnancy. Logically, we know about as much as we possibly could. But this doesn’t fix the emotional side of what we’ve been through.

I thought that once we figured everything out and got the go ahead from the doctor, I would know when we should try to have another baby. The want to expand our family hasn’t gone away, it’s been quietly pulsing in the back of my brain since the start of all of this. Part of me feels like that’s completely normal. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me doesn’t know what to feel. It’s all so very confusing, you see.

We have as many medical answers as we’re going to get at this point. But I still feel like there’s this huge unknown. Emotionally, I feel ok most of the time. I’ve even had a couple of really great days over the past couple of weeks. But then a moment hits me where I am such a mess and I just…don’t feel like it’s been any time since everything happend. Is there really a resolution to all of this? Will things ever feel completely whole again? I don’t do well with unanswered questions, and here are two staring me straight in the face that I can’t answer. More than that, I might not ever be able to answer them. That’s tough.

You can’t see me right now, but I’m making an angry face at the computer. Hey, at least I’m not snot crying.

Perhaps naively, I thought I’d know – in 3 months or 6 months or 12 months I’ll be ready. But now I don’t know if there’s going to be some magical moment where I’m suddenly ready to be pregnant again. It’s freaking me out – because I’m a planner, and I don’t know if we should wait until I’m have some big defining moment where I feel “ready” for another pregnancy, or if that “ready” moment won’t come until we’re actually pregnant again.

My heart is telling me that I’m trying to be too logical about all of this. And it’s probably right.

So this is basically where we’re at. A new state of limbo, but a better state of limbo than we were in six or eight weeks ago. I wish I had more answers. I wish I felt more confident about what the next year holds for us. But I guess that’s kind of the point of what we just went through, right? That you really don’t ever know what the next year holds, you just think you do.

Maybe I just need to get better at accepting that the future’s really not dictated by me. Maybe it’s time to give up some of the control and see where God takes us. I’ve gotta have some faith, right?

pregnancy loss, baby loss, baby after stillbirth, having a baby after stillborn, baby after stillborn, pregnancy after stillborn, pregnancy after stillbirth, pregnancy after miscarriage, pregnancy after stillbirth

Comments

  1. 2

    says

    This is such a difficult and deeply personal decision. We chose to shelf the idea until both of us felt that a) the desire was to have a baby and to expand our family, not to try to get our son back, and b) that if we were to be called to loss all over again, that we would be able to stay grounded in our faith and that our trust for said future pregnancy was 100% in His hands. I gave birth to a beautiful baby 10 days shy of my sons 2nd birthday. Even now, in my second pregnancy since loss, I feel some fear and anxiety. It’s a struggle every moment to hand this little one over to God knowing that I have no control over the outcome. Pregnancy after loss is a truly sanctifying experience forcing you to lean into God in a whole new way.
    Kelly recently posted…Return To ZeroMy Profile

  2. 4

    says

    These same questions and emotions have just started to creep up in the back of my mind after losing our son over this past weekend. I can’t imagine all of the things you’ve had to work through so far in the past weeks but thank you for sharing, reading has been helping me with my journey as well.
    Hyedi recently posted…Pregnancy eats + summer snacking with Blue DiamondMy Profile

  3. 5

    says

    Cortney I can’t say I understand what your going through. But my husband and I are in the cusp of doing IVF internationally. The struggle of doing IUIs and going to a million other people’s baby showers was frustrating. Thank you for your follow on twitter and I am happy in a sense to have a fellow person who I can relate to this whole parenting situation.
    Vashti recently posted…Advice to a Younger MeMy Profile

  4. 6

    says

    I was deeply traumatized when my sister-in-law had a stillborn daughter. It was so difficult witnessing her pain but several years later, my sister-in-law published a book but how she coped with things and her book even helped me come to terms with her loss. In case you’re interested, the book is called “Love Mom” by Cynthia Baseman. (99 cents Kindle or under $15 soft cover – http://www.amazon.com/Love-Mom-Mothers-Journey-From/dp/1425950515) Sending you healing thoughts and kudos for writing about it.
    Hayley recently posted…Opt Your Personal Information Out of BeenVerified in less than 2 minutesMy Profile

  5. 7

    says

    Cortney,
    Sorry for the loss of your sweetheart. Having walked this path, albeit, 18 years ago, I can reassure you that more and more good days will be yours. It’s a lot of work to deal with this unique grief, to be a member of the bereaved moms club. That you’re writing and sharing tells me you’re more than up to the task.
    Cynthia recently posted…Tending to More than Torn Achilles TendonMy Profile

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