Once we got over the shock of losing Addison, there was one question that just hammered over and over in my head: what does this mean for the future of our family?
I think initially, I couldn’t imagine the idea of not being pregnant right now. I mean, everything was (obviously) so unexpected, and it was all planned out in my head, and I just couldn’t wrap my head around not having a beautiful baby girl in August.
Slowly – which is a relative term, because the time after stillbirth moves so slowly yet so quickly at the same time – I started to understand that being pregnant with Addison needed to be distinct from a future pregnancy – for the sake of her, for the sake of what we went through and for that of my own sanity.
Rick and I are also very logical people. So I knew that instead of focusing my energy on when we could start thinking about another baby, we needed to try to find out why this happened and how we would potentially handle another pregnancy.
So then we – thankfully – found out the most probable reason why this happened: the blood clotting disorder. We talked to the doctor, we know our options in terms of handling a future pregnancy. Logically, we know about as much as we possibly could. But this doesn’t fix the emotional side of what we’ve been through.
I thought that once we figured everything out and got the go ahead from the doctor, I would know when we should try to have another baby. The want to expand our family hasn’t gone away, it’s been quietly pulsing in the back of my brain since the start of all of this. Part of me feels like that’s completely normal. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me doesn’t know what to feel. It’s all so very confusing, you see.
We have as many medical answers as we’re going to get at this point. But I still feel like there’s this huge unknown. Emotionally, I feel ok most of the time. I’ve even had a couple of really great days over the past couple of weeks. But then a moment hits me where I am such a mess and I just…don’t feel like it’s been any time since everything happend. Is there really a resolution to all of this? Will things ever feel completely whole again? I don’t do well with unanswered questions, and here are two staring me straight in the face that I can’t answer. More than that, I might not ever be able to answer them. That’s tough.
You can’t see me right now, but I’m making an angry face at the computer. Hey, at least I’m not snot crying.
Perhaps naively, I thought I’d know – in 3 months or 6 months or 12 months I’ll be ready. But now I don’t know if there’s going to be some magical moment where I’m suddenly ready to be pregnant again. It’s freaking me out – because I’m a planner, and I don’t know if we should wait until I’m have some big defining moment where I feel “ready” for another pregnancy, or if that “ready” moment won’t come until we’re actually pregnant again.
My heart is telling me that I’m trying to be too logical about all of this. And it’s probably right.
So this is basically where we’re at. A new state of limbo, but a better state of limbo than we were in six or eight weeks ago. I wish I had more answers. I wish I felt more confident about what the next year holds for us. But I guess that’s kind of the point of what we just went through, right? That you really don’t ever know what the next year holds, you just think you do.
Maybe I just need to get better at accepting that the future’s really not dictated by me. Maybe it’s time to give up some of the control and see where God takes us. I’ve gotta have some faith, right?