Addison’s memorial service (blessing) was Saturday afternoon. It was really nice. Short, simple and sweet.
I had terrible anxiety in the days leading up to Saturday. As in on Friday night I didn’t know if I could actually make it through the memorial service. I didn’t have an actual anxiety attack, I was just on edge. For like two days straight. It was…hard. I don’t know how else to explain it.
Then on Saturday morning, I woke up calm. I got up with the little guy and we cleaned and played. I picked up fresh flowers for our house. I focused myself on tasks and the anxiety never reappeared. Thank God for that – I don’t know if I would have been able to leave the house if it had stuck around.
The day was ok. It wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t a terrible day. I can’t say that it gave us closure, but it did bring us a little more peace knowing that she is blessed. That she can be at peace.
Despite this impossible situation, things were calm. For a day or two, I haven’t ridden the emotional roller coaster. Things have felt more…normal, I guess. It’s like the pain has dulled a bit and it’s just part of our life, a heartache that will never totally go away. And I think I’m ok with that, because I always want her to be part of our life, you know? And not having that piece of myself that hurts for her just wouldn’t be real?
So yes, the blessing/memorial service was good. And hard. And while I don’t think we’ll ever move on from this completely, we can heal a little bit because we did good by our daughter.