Surviving the Memorial Service

Addison’s memorial service (blessing) was Saturday afternoon. It was really nice. Short, simple and sweet.

I had terrible anxiety in the days leading up to Saturday. As in on Friday night I didn’t know if I could actually make it through the memorial service. I didn’t have an actual anxiety attack, I was just on edge. For like two days straight. It was…hard. I don’t know how else to explain it.

Then on Saturday morning, I woke up calm. I got up with the little guy and we cleaned and played. I picked up fresh flowers for our house. I focused myself on tasks and the anxiety never reappeared. Thank God for that – I don’t know if I would have been able to leave the house if it had stuck around.

The day was ok. It wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t a terrible day. I can’t say that it gave us closure, but it did bring us a little more peace knowing that she is blessed. That she can be at peace.

Despite this impossible situation, things were calm. For a day or two, I haven’t ridden the emotional roller coaster. Things have felt more…normal, I guess. It’s like the pain has dulled a bit and it’s just part of our life, a heartache that will never totally go away. And I think I’m ok with that, because I always want her to be part of our life, you know? And not having that piece of myself that hurts for her just wouldn’t be real?

So yes, the blessing/memorial service was good. And hard. And while I don’t think we’ll ever move on from this completely, we can heal a little bit because we did good by our daughter.

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    I’ve been thinking about you and your family every day and am sending you prayers for continued strength. I’m thankful you were able to find some peace through Addison’s memorial service.

  2. 3

    Kelly says

    I thought about you when someone said this and I looked forward to sharing as I reflect on it as well: “God knows your pain and will not waste it. Continue to give it to Him – He will give it purpose and bring something beautiful out of it (just as He is already doing).” Love you all and so thankful that He carried you through the day and is still carrying you…

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