One Month After Stillbirth.

This morning, something was bugging me. I just didn’t have my usual get up and go that Mondays usually bring. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out what it was. But mornings are a busy beast around these parts, so I didn’t have much time to think until I got into the car. And then I realized: June 9th. It’s officially been a month since Addison was born and lost.

It didn’t hit me as hard as I thought it would. Don’t take that to mean that it didn’t resonate. It did. Hard. But with every day that goes by, I’m learning to compartmentalize my life a little more at a time. Knowing that I was headed into a crazy Monday schedule – which I’m sure you can relate to – I knew couldn’t also be a crying mess. I couldn’t focus on this piece of my life all day long. It just wasn’t going to work.

So I did what any normal thirty year old girl would do – I grabbed a hot pop song off of YouTube, synced it up with my car and blasted it on repeat until I couldn’t hear myself thinking anymore. Today that song happened to be Ariana Grande’s “Problem” – don’t judge. It was on the radio when I got in the car and basically made me feel like I was in a totally different mind space for a few minutes. I don’t actually know what the words are. I can’t understand them. And the video’s a little weird. But if you don’t happen upon pop songs that are geared more for the 13-18 year old demographic, you can watch it here. Warning: you won’t be able to get it out of your head. You’re welcome.

So here we are. I’ve kept myself busy literally all day, up to this very moment. And now my baby’s sleeping, my hubs is in the garage, the dogs are lounging and my house is quiet. I made a chai latte. And now I’m just sitting here reflecting on…well, how we made it to this space.

It’s weird: sometimes I feel like I’m looking back on something that happened in another lifetime. It all feels so surreal. A month later and I feel like I’ve aged a lifetime. The biggest thing that’s changed in the last month is that I’m not an emotional wreck. Honestly, I didn’t know how long it would take to get back to normal.

I still don’t feel like I’m back to zero – and I don’t think that I’ll ever get there. The wisdom that comes with going through something like this is unrivaled – and with that wisdom, you realize a lot more about life, reality and priorities. No, I won’t ever get back to that place I was at before. But I do feel like I’m a little more at peace with this new reality. I think both Rick and I have accepted that this really is our reality.

Maybe accepted is the wrong word. Can you ever really accept that your child is in heaven and you’re still on earth? I’m not sure. Probably not. Maybe it would be better to say that we know that this really happened. I no longer feel like I’m going to wake up and the last month will have been one giant nightmare. I know that it’s not. And I know that we have to keep foraging ahead. One step in front of the other, right?

Anyway, one month. We went back to the doctor last week. All the tests came back on my little girl. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect. So what does that mean? Well, it means that there’s probably something wrong with my body that caused this to happen. Or it could have been a freak accident. But my doctor thinks I may have a clotting disorder that was somehow partially (or wholly) to blame for this.

So more tests. Tests to find out exactly what’s going on, if I need to be concerned about this not pregnant or if it’s only something that will affect me as a pregnant mama. And what does this mean for future pregnancies?

Ack. Another thing that comes with time: the realization that this will change our lives forever, in so many more ways than we could have ever realized 31 days ago.

Whoever thought that 31 days could be a lifetime.

Certainly not me.

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