When we first came home from the hospital after Addison died, my head was a mess. I mean, that’s probably pretty obvious if you hang out here often. I wasn’t the worst case scenario…but I think that’s partially due to the fact that both Rick and I have had a lot of years and situations that have forced both of us to work on our coping skills. Which helped us to not go into this situation completely blind. And I am weirdly thankful that I know how to deal with situations that are crazy. Unexpected. Part of a nightmare. Because it’s helped us to get through this.
Anyway, when we got home, the first and only thing I wanted to do was be around Ricky all day long. He was honestly the best distraction. As that first week progressed, I made some changes at our house that have turned out to be pretty amazing for instilling a little extra calm in our day to day life. And super helpful when I feel like I’m having a moment of breakdown.
So…here’s what I did:
I stocked us up on fresh flowers. When we first came home, there were flowers everywhere in our house. One morning I realized…this is her. This is how she will be present in my life every.single.day. So now it’s my goal to have fresh, gorgeous flowers on my kitchen table. In my living room. And anywhere else that I feel like they belong in any particular moment. It’s one thing that I can do to keep her here, in my mind and on my heart. And it makes my house smell really good.
I re-did our main bathroom. I quickly realized that we needed a spot of peace in our house. And that spot ended up being the bathroom. Which isn’t as weird as it sounds! I just wanted to make that space extra relaxing for Jacuzzis and showers. So I got new towels, new artwork, new candles, new bath products…anything that contributed to a super relaxing space. And I have to say…it’s forced me to stop and breathe.
I’m working on an outdoor living space. Rick and I love spending time on our deck and entertaining in our backyard. So we’ve been working on our gardens, flowers, decorating…you name it. We just want somewhere to sit back and relax. Working on this project is so therapeutic. And distracting. And will be amazing when it’s done.
I’m leaving the nursery as is. It’s still really a guest bedroom that has all of her stuff in it. Her clothes are still on the bed, her blankets are folded and there are fabric swatches on the wall. We’re not at a point where we’re ready to put these things away. We’re certainly not creating a shrine. But we just…don’t really know what to do with it all quite yet. So we’re waiting until a moment of brilliance hits. And until then, her things will live in the would-be nursery. And I’m actually ok with that.
We’re keeping her in our room. Gosh, that sounds really morbid. Addison was creamated, so her urn is in our room. It’s just a visual that she’s there. It gives us something tangible to touch and see when we’re having a bad day. I swear it’s not as creepy as it sounds.
So basically, we’re figuring out how to deal with all of this. We’re moving through it, and I feel like a lot of the fog has lifted. I think this would be a lot harder if it were winter, where we couldn’t be outside and enjoying nice weather. Thinking about being cooped up in the house for months on end while dealing with this…well, then I would be worried about becoming catatonic. That would put a much more brutal spin on this impossible situation.
:sigh: So many things to be thankful for. That’s what I have to focus on.