I’m hosting a Life After Child Loss series to share some of the stories that you all have shared with me. Your stories. Stories to help inspire those who are in the midst of loss and are looking for hope. Personally, I know that a light at the end of the tunnel – even if it’s far away – has been so helpful for what we’ve been through this year. And I hope it’s helpful to some of you, too.
Today’s story comes from my friend Katie* – someone I’ve known since high school – who reconnected with me after we lost Addison. I’ve changed the names in the story to keep her identity private, but she did give me permission to share this with you all.
*Names have been changed
I just read your last story on The Mommyhood Project and I really LOVE the fact that you are trying to help people who have lost children and don’t talk about it. I check your website every day because to me it feels like a comfortable place.
I do have a story and I really do hope that it turns out with a happy ending. I did not go as far along as you did before I had a miscarriage but it almost feels like it. MANY people around me don’t even know much about it – because I don’t talk about it. It makes me feel ashamed and I feel like people are judging me, like I did something to cause it.
To this day it haunts me that this has happened to me twice. I have had two miscarriages, they were two of the worst things I have ever gone through in my life! I never in a million years thought this would happen to me.
In 2007, I got pregnant and had a healthy beautiful baby boy. I had a pretty good pregnancy for the most part. A few years later, God blessed me with another baby. I was over the moon excited. Then it happened: I lost the baby. It was SO painful, physically and emotionally. It was hard on me and to make a long story short, my then-husband and I ended up getting divorced (not because of the miscarriage).
I felt even more alone. I wouldn’t talk about it, EVER. A while later, I met this amazing man (who is now my husband) and after being together for a few years I got pregnant again! We were so excited because we felt our family would finally be complete. Then it happened – again.
I was mortified. My husband was so amazing through the whole thing and was always there for me no matter how mad I got. I hated the world. I couldn’t understand why this kept happening to me. My husband helped get me through it and helped me get the help that I needed.
About 5 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant again! I was so excited – and then the terror and fear came right behind the excitement. What if this happens again? Will I be able to deal with it? I am trying to stay positive.
On Tuesday this week I had my first ultrasound. I saw the baby and the heartbeat. I almost started bawling my eyes out. Then the next day I got a call from the nurse. I have a little bleeding by the placenta (which is a lot more common than most people know), but because I have had two miscarriages they want to take extra precautions: no heavy lifting, LOTS of rest.
I have a 5 & 7 year old step kids and my 6 year old son has plenty of health issues right now. I make many trips to the Twin Cities with my son (I live about an hour and a half away). I work full time and all three kids are in activities every night of the week. Relaxing isn’t really possible, but I am trying.
In three weeks I go back for another ultrasound to see if it has absorbed. So now I am beyond terrified. I want to tell people so badly because I am SO happy about it, but I don’t want to have to tell people things went wrong if this happens again.
Also, I want to tell my kids, they know something is up with me and I feel horrible not being able to tell them, but what happens if something bad happens again? How do I explain that to them? I don’t know that I can. Then I also feel horrible telling people who I know have lost a child, I feel like they think I am rubbing in that I finally got pregnant.
It is such a roller coaster of emotions. I do pray to God that this has a happy ending but I won’t know for a while. I want to be so excited and I am, but my terror always seems to take over. I am really working on taking things one day at a time.
UPDATE: My pregnancy is going well! We told our kids over the 4th of July weekend about the baby and they are over the moon excited. I have never been asked this many questions in such a short period of time before. They aren’t even done asking one before another one comes out!