So…I had a first this week. For those who have been in my shoes, you probably already know what I’m talking about. But let me start from the beginning.
On Monday – Memorial Day – Ricky and I took a little jaunt down to the park. We had already had a pretty busy day – taking the dogs for a walk, playing baseball, chalking up the driveway, a trip to Target, art projects, the sandbox, watering the flowers…basically we did every outdoor toddler thing I could think of in a twelve hour span.
So we went to the park as a fun way to run off some energy before dinner. And I got to chatting with another mom at the park. She was so nice, and was somewhat new to the neighborhood. The longer we were there – which to be honest, wasn’t all that long – the more we went towards that part of the conversation that I still haven’t figured out yet…the how many kids line of conversation.
I knew it was coming. I was torn…do I mention Addison, and know that my words will more than likely make this conversation incredibly awkward? Or do I not, and then feel immensely guilty for not acknowledging her? When we got there, I had decided, I’m not going to worry about it unless she asks me outright. I can’t lie – I have two children. One is with me, one is with God.
And then she mentioned that she was four months pregnant. In the second trimester, safer than the first. Definitely not meaning anything by it – just a beautifully pregnant mama, enjoying her day. And it just tumbled out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop it.
And me – the girl who doesn’t cry in front of anyone but my husband – got caught so off guard by the words falling out of my mouth that I shook and started crying. In front of a stranger. Who was telling me she was pregnant.
To be clear – I wasn’t crying because she was pregnant and I wasn’t. I was crying because it was the first time I had actually heard those words come out of my mouth – “my daughter was stillborn a few weeks ago.” And they stung.
Thankfully she was wonderful about it. And I got myself under control pretty quickly. And she doesn’t think I’m completely crazy, because we’re neighbor friends now.
But seriously. It was intense. At least for a minute. And I felt like such an idiot, standing in the middle of the park with this lady I barely know, crying and chasing after my one-year-old.
It had to happen some time, right?