Do I mention it? Do I not? A first time for everything.

So…I had a first this week. For those who have been in my shoes, you probably already know what I’m talking about. But let me start from the beginning.

On Monday – Memorial Day – Ricky and I took a little jaunt down to the park. We had already had a pretty busy day – taking the dogs for a walk, playing baseball, chalking up the driveway, a trip to Target, art projects, the sandbox, watering the flowers…basically we did every outdoor toddler thing I could think of in a twelve hour span.

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So we went to the park as a fun way to run off some energy before dinner. And I got to chatting with another mom at the park. She was so nice, and was somewhat new to the neighborhood. The longer we were there – which to be honest, wasn’t all that long – the more we went towards that part of the conversation that I still haven’t figured out yet…the how many kids line of conversation.

I knew it was coming. I was torn…do I mention Addison, and know that my words will more than likely make this conversation incredibly awkward? Or do I not, and then feel immensely guilty for not acknowledging her? When we got there, I had decided, I’m not going to worry about it unless she asks me outright. I can’t lie – I have two children. One is with me, one is with God.

And then she mentioned that she was four months pregnant. In the second trimester, safer than the first. Definitely not meaning anything by it – just a beautifully pregnant mama, enjoying her day. And it just tumbled out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop it.

And me – the girl who doesn’t cry in front of anyone but my husband – got caught so off guard by the words falling out of my mouth that I shook and started crying. In front of a stranger. Who was telling me she was pregnant.

To be clear – I wasn’t crying because she was pregnant and I wasn’t. I was crying because it was the first time I had actually heard those words come out of my mouth – “my daughter was stillborn a few weeks ago.” And they stung.

Ack.

Thankfully she was wonderful about it. And I got myself under control pretty quickly. And she doesn’t think I’m completely crazy, because we’re neighbor friends now.

But seriously. It was intense. At least for a minute. And I felt like such an idiot, standing in the middle of the park with this lady I barely know, crying and chasing after my one-year-old.

It had to happen some time, right?

{ 8 comments… add one }

  • Becky @ bybmg May 30, 2014, 2:12 am

    It’s alright for you to cry…everything is so raw for you, especially in that situation. It’s always alright to cry.
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  • Kelly May 30, 2014, 5:38 am

    I agree…that it had to happen sometime even though it seemed too soon. I would hope it would encourage her to cherish her pregnancy just as you did with Addison because life can be so very fragile as we know and I thank you for the reminder which is for good… Thanks for mentioning it as I would be glad that you were real through the difficulty of that moment to talk/cry than not and I believe it’s a road to healing not to forget your Addison of course but to be able to share her in a way that would serve as comfort, encouragement and reminder to others as needed.

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    • Cortney June 5, 2014, 1:03 am

      Yes…I think it’s hard because you don’t want to make those fears harder for a pregnant woman who already has enough on her plate. << This makes it hard to know when to say something and when to just let things be, you know?

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  • roni May 31, 2014, 12:52 am

    I’m sorry, that is hard and sounds too recent. The good thing is that as sisters we can all understand and be there for eachother. I’m glad she was kind in her response.

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  • Wendy May 31, 2014, 9:40 pm

    We spend a lot of energy in this country pretending that life is shiny and perfect. It sounds like an authentic conversation in which being real added a lot more than pretending. When you are yourself, including your real grief and sorrows, you add more to the lives of others and create space for them to be real. You are brave to be yourself and open yourself up to someone new.

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  • Kim @ Life in a House of Testosterone June 1, 2014, 3:31 pm

    I agree with Wendy. All too often we expend enormous amounts of energy when speaking to others to make our lives seem all “shiny and perfect.” They aren’t. Nobody’s life is like that. Even the rich, the famous, those that seem to have everything in life, they all have their problems to deal with. When we are honest, open and engaging with others and let the “real me” shine through – that is when lasting friendships are built based upon honesty and trust. I am so sorry for your loss hon, having lost several children myself I know the pain you are going through. It’s ok to cry, it is ok to grieve. It is part of the healing process and you cannot move forward to the next stage until you travel through this stage. Hugs to you.
    Kim @ Life in a House of Testosterone recently posted…Nature’s Sleep “Topper” of a Deal for JuneMy Profile

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    • Cortney June 5, 2014, 1:01 am

      I agree with you…you can’t move on to the next stage until you figure out the stage you’re in. It gets better every day. Hugs to you mama.

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