Life After Child Loss: Four Months Later

This weekend, I went to the wedding of our friends. It was a beautiful wedding, full of life and laughter and love. But something struck me as I watched Lisa's mom be escorted to her seat at the front of the church. Followed by Lisa, in her beautiful gown, her dad by her side. I'll never see this for her. My little girl won't get a wedding. We'll never have a chance to talk about dresses, or flowers, or guest lists. Hell, I won't even know if that's what she wanted - the big hoopla wedding. It's so strange, because I've never thought about it like that. I've never thought about it in terms of the long-term future, and what she's missing Read more [...]

Morning Sickness: So Bad I Scared Myself into Researching Twins

When I was pregnant with Ricky, I had moderate morning sickness. By four weeks, I felt a little nauseous in the afternoon, would lay down for 20 minutes and be fine. When I was pregnant with Addison, I have some nasty morning sickness (relatively), and spent a lot of nights moaning about feeling like I was going to puke. But it was still workable - as in, I could work around it, and just rest in the evenings. With this pregnancy, the morning sickness is not so fun. It's not all day, every day, but it's a lot of the time. This morning, I spent an hour on the couch before I could even make a cup of coffee. Then I was alright - a little Read more [...]

Pregnancy After Stillbirth: Breathing a Sigh of Relief

So today was the first big hump that we had to get over in this pregnancy: the viability scan. I've basically spent the last 24 hours on pins and needles. I mean, this was all leading up to whether or not there was actually a baby in the womb and whether or not that baby had a heartbeat. Trust me. I've basically read up on anything and everything that could possibly go wrong in a pregnancy. I can't seem to stop myself. As today went on, I felt myself counting down the hours. Three hours. Two. One and a half. One. Thirty minutes. Sitting in the waiting room felt like an eternity. My stomach was in knots, I probably could have puked on Read more [...]

Life After Child Loss: Erin’s Story (from Hope Mommies)

To read more from the Life After Child Loss series, click here. I’m hosting a Life After Child Loss series to share some of the stories that you all have shared with me. Your stories. Stories to help inspire those who are in the midst of loss and are looking for hope. Personally, I know that a light at the end of the tunnel – even if it’s far away – has been so helpful for what we’ve been through this year. And I hope it’s helpful to some of you, too. Erin is the founder of Hope Mommies, an organization that helps women find hope after miscarriage, stillbirth and early infant loss. I became forever connected to them when I got Read more [...]

Freaking Out.

So...I'm really annoying myself with head games today. I was doing a great job of staying busy - between deep cleaning my house and stuff we had planned, I feel like we've been on the go and distracted - in a good way - from my appointment tomorrow. But ohmigosh. This afternoon I am freaking out. Tomorrow we have our first ultrasound. The viability ultrasound. Those two words can strike terror into the heart of anyone who's lost a baby before. It's like all of your hopes and prayers are tied up in this one thirty minute chunk of time. I know that I preach about hope and positivity a lot. But let's be honest: after going through what Read more [...]

Pregnancy After Child Loss: So…This is Getting Real

As you probably already guessed (based on the title of this post) - we're pregnant! Thrilled, ecstatic, amazed, thankful, blessed...words can't even describe. And also: terrified. I'm freaking myself out while feeling like I'm walking on air. It's very weird, my friends. If you've read anything about pregnancy after losing a child, it's exactly what people say it is. And if you've been there, well - you told me so. It's all of this and more wrapped into one. I debated for about a week on whether or not we should announce this early, or wait until we passed the first trimester. And today, I just felt like it was time to share. Read more [...]

Life After Child Loss: Heidi’s Story

To read more from the Life After Child Loss series, click here. I’m hosting a Life After Child Loss series to share some of the stories that you all have shared with me. Your stories. Stories to help inspire those who are in the midst of loss and are looking for hope. Personally, I know that a light at the end of the tunnel – even if it’s far away – has been so helpful for what we’ve been through this year. And I hope it’s helpful to some of you, too. My daughter Avery would have turned six this past July. In just a few days she'd be starting first grade. I would no doubt be frantically running around, completely occupied with Read more [...]
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about how losing my sweet baby girl has affected our life. I've come to believe - or rather, know - that when you lose a child, you actually lose a lot more than that. Obviously, the biggest and most hurtful piece of what we've been through is losing our baby. There's no getting around that. If May wouldn't have happened, we would have a week old baby at home right now. But May DID happen, and there's nothing I can do to change it. We were put on this course of life for a reason. But just because there's a reason (or at least, I hope there's a reason) that this is the reality of our life, Read more [...]
This past week has been an emotional roller coaster, for a lot of reasons. When my life is emotional, I like to do a lot of cardio. I don't know why - it just works out that way. When I feel like doing more of a particular exercise - circuits vs. lifting vs. cardio - I go with it. I figure that if my body feels like it's not getting enough of a particular workout, then I should try to do more of it, at least for a while. But this week I learned something new: Because of the medication I'm taking with my blood clotting disorder, I have to be careful about taking my heart rate too high. So today, I indulged myself and invested in a fancy Read more [...]

Addison’s Due Date: Another Step in the Healing Process

If May wouldn't have happened, I would be holding a just born baby girl in my arms right now. My c-section was scheduled for 9:30 this morning. As of last night, it was still scheduled - the hospital called to confirm that I would be there by 7 am. Seriously. Since we lost her, I've had this tendency to make the day before a big post-stillbirth milestone much more emotional than the actual day is. So what I'm saying is yesterday was a lot harder than today. I've anticipated today coming for a long time - since this all happened. I think all of my mental preparation was a good thing. It's helped me to realize that getting over today - the Read more [...]

Life After Child Loss: Kate’s Story

Cortney asked me to write about life after loss.  Thirteen years ago, it felt as if there was none.  I found myself sitting in the passenger seat of our minivan, freshly purchased for what was supposed to be a family of four…but there were just three of us.  The fourth, our daughter Emma, was born just a few weeks earlier, and passed away after just eight days of life from congenital heart defects. I had just returned from what, for most women, would have been a routine OB/GYN appointment following the birth of a healthy baby.  Mine was nothing of the sort.  It had begun with the sting of the waiting room, surrounded by masses of pregnant Read more [...]
When you first lose a baby, and are thrown into the child loss community, it's a little overwhelming. The outreach, support, people who've been there...it's just a lot to take in, especially because you're not expecting to become overnight bosom buddies with people around the world. But that's what happens - you join the club that no one ever wants to join, and it becomes a huge source of support - because everyone in that group knows what it feels like to walk over the hot coals of pain that you're currently standing on. But what about the people on the outside - those who can't imagine what baby loss feels like and have no idea how to approach Read more [...]

Life After Child Loss: Paulina’s Story

To read more from the Life After Child Loss series, click here. I'm hosting a Life After Child Loss series to share some of the stories that you all have shared with me. Your stories. Stories to help inspire those who are in the midst of loss and are looking for hope. Personally, I know that a light at the end of the tunnel - even if it's far away - has been so helpful for what we've been through this year. And I hope it's helpful to some of you, too. Hello everyone! I am very happy to be a guest here at The Mommyhood Project, thank you Cortney for having me. My name is Paulina. I've been married to my husband Bruce for 5 years during Read more [...]

Baby loss, three months later.

This weekend marked three months since we lost our sweet baby girl. Three months that flew by in an instant, yet left me feeling about thirty years older. It's like that old saying - the days pass slowly but the weeks go by so quickly. Knowing that a week from Tuesday, she was supposed to be born. That's when her c-section was scheduled for, you know. Tuesday August 19 at 9:30 AM. It's the day that's staring me in the face right now. Part of me feels like getting over that hump is like the key to moving into the next phase of life. It's the last huge milestone that would have been part of this pregnancy: her birth. Our life has changed Read more [...]
Today was one of those days where the grief just hit me out of nowhere. Ok, not out of nowhere. I had to make some calls because our medical bills have started coming in, and most of them aren't accurate or haven't been sent through our insurance or were sent through our insurance and then retracted - ugh. It's not fun, let's just say that. And every single time I call to talk to someone, I have to explain my story. I can write about Addison until my fingers bleed. And if I know it's coming, I can even talk about her for periods of time with people who are not my husband. But when that story gets pulled out and I'm not ready for it - well, Read more [...]

Since we lost our baby, I’ve become a better mom.

I realized something the other day. And it's not something that made me feel like the most incredible person on the planet, to say the least. Since we lost Addison, I've become a better mom. Breathe that in for a second. It kind of hurts your heart, doesn't it? At least, it hurts mine. Don't get me wrong - I was a great mom to Ricky before any of this happened. And I can honestly say that without getting a big head, despite how it sounds. But when we lost our baby girl, our whole world got turned upside down - and my perspective on life changed. My priorities changed. And my focus on the smiley little guy who has my heart became even Read more [...]
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