We have Addison’s memorial service this weekend. It’s really more of a blessing than a memorial service. But I think it’s too confusing to call it a bunch of different things. So…a memorial service.
Going into this, we knew we wanted to do something to celebrate her. But the closer we get to actually doing this, the more anxious I’m getting. Knowing that this is coming up is making me relive everything over and over and over again in my head. I feel like I’m throwing myself back into the fire.
I think initially, I expected that a memorial service would bring us some kind of closure or peace or something. And now I feel like I’m in this frantic place to figure out where my head’s at and why I don’t feel any kind of closure. And it sucks.
My heart keeps screaming, “I don’t want to do this!!!”
I just keep thinking that we didn’t freaking ask for this reality. She didn’t deserve this. There is no REASON for this. And then I feel so guilty for thinking like this. Because we really are blessed with the life we live and the little boy we have. And I know I need to appreciate that. It’s an impossible situation.
I think this is me rejecting this reality. I felt like I was getting through this. Like it was going one day at a time, and I was dealing with it piece by piece and things were getting better, at least a little.
And now maybe I’m moving a little bit backwards. I don’t know. Maybe it’s two steps forward, one step back.
What I do know is that right now in this very second I am SO not ready to do this. I’m actually really MAD that we have to do this. I want to sit here on my couch and watch reality TV and eat ice cream and hide.
Except I can’t do that. Because I am a grown up. And I have a one year old. And a husband. And a little baby girl who deserves to be blessed. So I will figure out how to pull myself together and not be a big baby about it. Because that’s what moms do.