Because that’s what moms do.

We have Addison’s memorial service this weekend. It’s really more of a blessing than a memorial service. But I think it’s too confusing to call it a bunch of different things. So…a memorial service.

Going into this, we knew we wanted to do something to celebrate her. But the closer we get to actually doing this, the more anxious I’m getting. Knowing that this is coming up is making me relive everything over and over and over again in my head. I feel like I’m throwing myself back into the fire.

I think initially, I expected that a memorial service would bring us some kind of closure or peace or something. And now I feel like I’m in this frantic place to figure out where my head’s at and why I don’t feel any kind of closure. And it sucks.

My heart keeps screaming, “I don’t want to do this!!!”

I just keep thinking that we didn’t freaking ask for this reality. She didn’t deserve this. There is no REASON for this. And then I feel so guilty for thinking like this. Because we really are blessed with the life we live and the little boy we have. And I know I need to appreciate that. It’s an impossible situation.

I think this is me rejecting this reality. I felt like I was getting through this. Like it was going one day at a time, and I was dealing with it piece by piece and things were getting better, at least a little.

And now maybe I’m moving a little bit backwards. I don’t know. Maybe it’s two steps forward, one step back.

What I do know is that right now in this very second I am SO not ready to do this. I’m actually really MAD that we have to do this. I want to sit here on my couch and watch reality TV and eat ice cream and hide.

Except I can’t do that. Because I am a grown up. And I have a one year old. And a husband. And a little baby girl who deserves to be blessed. So I will figure out how to pull myself together and not be a big baby about it. Because that’s what moms do.

pregnancy loss, second trimester loss, second trimester pregnancy loss, second trimester stillborn, stillborn baby, 25 weeks stillborn, 24 weeks stillborn

Comments

  1. 1

    says

    Grief is a long road, and there is no right way to walk it. Two steps forward, one step back….heck, for the first few weeks, maybe even months, after my son passed, I swear I was just walking in circles. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, when you feel it with no judgements on yourself. You can totally feel blessed with what you have in your husband and son, and think it’s unfair and be angry about the loss of your daughter. One does not negate the other.
    I’m so sorry that you have to know any of this life after loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you honor your sweet Addison tomorrow.
    Kelly recently posted…Return To ZeroMy Profile

  2. 2

    Kelly says

    Dearest Cortney,

    Big hugs. I agree that grief is a long road, should be taken one moment at a time, takes time, and can change over time. I believe it is okay to just be–breathe–grief as needed because for crying out loud, you are missing your precious Addison and all that you had planned for her, the tutus you had thoughtfully handpicked for her to wear, seeing her smile, being able to wipe her tears away, holding her tight and pouring loads of kisses on her, seeing her take her first step, her first crush,… BUT gladly there is hope for the future amidst the pains of life and she is with Jesus’s safe arms of love, the most perfect place to be.

    3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5

    I watched Unstoppable yesterday and thought of you…I was reminded that even though your Addison was short lived, she lived deeply and you treasured every moment with her as able and you celebrated her while she was in your womb, and she will never be forgotten because not only had she obviously touched your lives immensely, she has touched my life as well as countless others’. Additionally, I was reminded while watching that docudrama that God is good, we can trust and keep trusting Him, and His purposes are unstoppable for His glory and our greater good.

    Therefore, please try to not be too hard on yourself with any expectations if you are, mom’s are people too and go through the pains of life–those pains are no joke because they hurt a lot and may last for a lifetime even though the pain may lessen, and it is okay to cry/ask questions but in the midst of it all, we can find peace and confidence in God as well as be able to sympathize with other hurting people all around us known and unknown as we offer the comfort and hope that is often a remedy for the hurting heart.

    Keep taking those baby steps (because you are doing great!) regardless of how many times it may feel as if you are stepping back–keep getting up as you are with one step at a time.

    Thank you for continuing to be an inspiration no matter the season. Thank you for being real…it is very encouraging being that life is not always filled with happy happy joy joy moments but it is in the valleys of life that our characters and appreciations of the usually overlooked things in life are fine tuned, that we grow, comfort, and are comforted. You are a blessing! I will be thinking of you and praying strength for you and loved ones as you celebrate your precious daughter today and beyond.

  3. 3

    Laura says

    You are allowed to feel what you feel.. whether it’s being a big baby, being mad, or even still seeing the joy and happiness in your life. There are always going to be steps backwards with things in life, you just have to remember that you still can make steps forward.

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