If May wouldn’t have happened, I would be holding a just born baby girl in my arms right now.
My c-section was scheduled for 9:30 this morning. As of last night, it was still scheduled – the hospital called to confirm that I would be there by 7 am. Seriously.
Since we lost her, I’ve had this tendency to make the day before a big post-stillbirth milestone much more emotional than the actual day is. So what I’m saying is yesterday was a lot harder than today. I’ve anticipated today coming for a long time – since this all happened. I think all of my mental preparation was a good thing. It’s helped me to realize that getting over today – the day she was supposed to be held in our arms – is one of the biggest hurdles to us moving on.
I’m not saying that today isn’t emotional. It is. It sucks. But instead of sitting here, thinking about what we lost – which is more than you can imagine, if you’ve never been through this – I have to look at what we gained.
A new perspective on life. Clarity on what we stand for – or at least, proof that what we stand for is real. A greater appreciation for our life, our marriage and our amazing little boy.
I know that this one event could have single-handedly ruined our life. It could have torn apart our marriage and become the one thing that defined the rest of our life – in a really bad way. But we won’t let it. She meant more than that.
Today, I choose hope. I choose to put my family first. I choose to focus on what I need to do for the success for our future. And I choose to continue to bring more awareness and support to the baby loss community.
Because of this, on Addison’s due date, I share with you the Count the Kicks organization. Addison’s death was caused by a blood clot from Factor V Leiden, which isn’t something I could have prevented without knowing that I had the disorder. With that being said, most stillbirths can be prevented – and Count the Kicks is raising awareness and saving lives through what they do. I’ll be sharing more about their mission and how they can help when you’re pregnant soon, but for now, here’s a snippet on what the organization does.
Happy would-be birth day to my sweet little angel.