It’s been a week and a day since my baby girl was born. Part of me feels like it was yesterday. And part of me feels like a veteran in this new life of baby loss.
In some ways, things are better. We’re home (I know I keep saying this, but it makes a big difference). Ricky is truly my sunshine. We’re beyond some of the initial shock and trying to instill some “normal” back into our life.
In some ways, it’s still the same. My body is weak because of the blood loss. This is a big blow – we are generally very active. Right now, I can’t even carry Ricky around (because of lifting restrictions so that I stop bleeding). The pain is still here, although I don’t think the pain ever goes away completely.
We brought Addison’s ashes home this week. It brought a little bit of peace to our home – like having something tangible to represent her makes it a little easier to cope. I don’t know why.
I don’t want to make it sound like we sit around and mourn our girl all day every day. I would go crazy if I let myself wallow like that. We’re doing a lot of the things that we would normally do – like buying flowers for our yard, running errands, going out to lunch on a beautiful Saturday.
But there are just these moments where the loss hits you like a freight train and it just completely takes over your soul. Those moments can last for a few minutes to a few hours – there’s just no predicting them. I think that’s what makes this so hard. You can feel like taking on the world one minute and like you’re going to collapse with grief the next.
Having something to focus on makes it better. Writing, being with Ricky, working…all of those things are great for reminding me of the present and the things that really do need my attention. Forcing myself to deal with everything head on helps. It doesn’t work for everyone. And I can’t be full on dealing with this all day, every day. But I know that I can’t avoid it and string along this gaping space in my heart for too long, or it will consume me.
So that’s kind of where we’re at.
And now…well, I’m going to go plant some flowers and try to do something productive.